Tuesday, April 28, 2020

Evening Meditation

This deserved its own post.

Scene: Our bedroom.

Characters: Hubby, Middle, and an unknown TV Narrator.

Necessary Background: Hubby has taken a liking to the show Naked and Afraid, which we have access to through Netflix, I think. I don't know. I don't care, because I don't watch it. I don't get why he likes it, despite our conversation about it this morning. Something about the fact that he knows he'd never survive being naked and afraid, not even in our own backyard, and he gets to watch these idiots from the comfort of his couch, fully clothed, and see what nonsense they can pull out of thin air in the wilds of, y'know, Antarctica or some forsaken place like that. I have zero desire to be naked and afraid at the same time ever, let alone watch someone do it, even with the proper blurring of personal areas, so this just doesn't seem like quality television entertainment to me. But he likes it. And the kids like watching it with him too, on occasion. And since it's been chilly and gloomy and looking like it's going to threaten rain all day, well, Naked and Afraid it is, since they proclaimed before the start of the fourth quarter of school that they had "finished" all of YouTube.

So they're watching TV up in the master bedroom, and I'm down here ordering pizza for dinner because I have no desire to cook tonight. That's when I get this text message about the goings-on upstairs.

Middle: Look at all the monkeys. I wanna see them catch and eat a monkey.

Narrator: Asian Gray Monkeys are known to carry rabies and Japanese encephalitis.

Middle: New plan: don't eat the monkeys.


Vignettes from Our Quarantine

Scene: The living room.

Characters: Middle and Me

Necessary Background: School is now out for the rest of the year, but the kids are doing online stuff with their teachers for the fourth quarter of the year. Lots of Zoom meetings and time on school-issued Chromebooks. Lots of canceled everything, including the Music in the Park event at a rather sweet-sounding amusement park not too far from us, which the twins were going to attend as part of them being in band/chorus/jazz band. Last week, a refund check came from the school in an envelope addressed to Middle, for the amount of the trip minus the t-shirt costs. They only sent one refund check, but no biggie; I'd only written them one check in the first place to pay for two kids. I decided to run some errands today, including a drive by the bank down the street, and I'd deposit the check.

That's when I discovered that the smart folks at the district had issued the check not in my name but in Middle's. Fantastic. I scrawled a "Pay to the Order of" above my own signature (boy, it's lucky I leave some room) and went to find Middle. (WHY.)

Me: Here, I need you to sign this. They made the check payable to you.

Middle (taking the pen and studying the back of the check): Okay.

She carefully signed her first name in the spot I indicated, then paused for a good five seconds.

Me (prompting): Last-name.

Middle: I forgot my last name. Oh, that's delicious.

This kid.

We are not bored.

*     *     *

Scene: Kitchen

Characters: Youngest, Me, Kala, and Waffle

Necessary Background: There is a Zoom meeting going on for both Youngest and Middle, with their band teacher. Middle has moved into the dining room so she and Kimo can both attend the meeting, because Mrs. Band Teacher and her dog are hosting.

Youngest: Kitten, you're such a hawtie.

Me (messaging Waffle): Youngest just announced, "Kitten, you're such a hawtie." I think I should be scared.

Waffle (messaging back): Yes. Ask her what she thinks that means. Results promise to be hilarious.

Several minutes go by before I'm able to do just that. Results are, unfortunately, a bit of a letdown.

Me: You called Kala a hawtie. What did you mean by that?

I guess I asked it wrong.

Youngest: I don't know. She's just adorable.

She pointed to the chair under the homework desk in the kitchen, where Kala was curled up, the only one of our cats tiny enough to do so.

Youngest: See?

Me: She's definitely cute, but I don't think she's hawt.

*     *     *

Scene: Dining Room

Characters: Middle, Kimo, and Me (and Youngest, sort of)

Necessary Background: Previously mentioned Zoom meeting with Mrs. Band Teacher is going on. Kimo is on one of the spare dining room chairs and is "attending" (looks more like she's trying to doze through class to me). She puts up with this stuff because it's Middle hauling her into it, and she has annexed Middle as her own.

Middle: Kimo is taking up all the space in the meeting! I can't even see me anymore.

Youngest (from kitchen): I can kind of see you.

I opted not to point out that Youngest is merely in the next room; of course she can see her twin.

Middle: Kimo, you took all my head space! You're so cute.