The Parenthood Experiment
Pondering imponderables and unscrewing inscrutables
Sunday, November 27, 2022
Mother Does, In Fact, Know Her Stuff
Tuesday, March 30, 2021
Your Father's Grandchildren
It's a beautiful day here at Casa Fries, and I am out on the porch enjoying it. I'm trying to get some other writing done, and I'm blissfully (and finally) working away (my gutters aren't being cleaned anymore), happy that the words are coming, when Hubby bursts out onto the front porch.
"I was putting the ladder away at the far side of the house, behind the toy box," he began.
I nodded and added a detail that I felt needed to go into my paragraph.
"Are you listening? You really need to be listening."
I turned off my writing playlist, stopped working, and gave him my full attention. Then I noticed Middle standing behind the screen door. Oh boy.
"And there, on top of the toy box, is part of an old cinder block with a dead mouse in it. Completely forgetting Rule #2, I asked, 'Why is there a dead mouse on top of the toy box?' And your child told me, 'Leave it alone; it's mine and MBFF's pet, and his name is Jerry.'"
It was at this point in time that I performed a migraine salute: I placed my fingertips and thumb on opposite sides of my nose and pinched, gently.
You know, I'd thought I'd gotten rid of the headache I awoke with this morning . . .
Not so much, it seems.
Mind you, this is the kid who enjoys watching NCIS with me. She also enjoys Forensic Files.
I stared at her through the storm door, desperately trying to think of the right word. "You are aware of this thing called decomposition?"
"Uh-huh!" she said cheerfully.
"Putrefaction," I mentioned next.
She nodded, and Hubby stopped me. "You're just feeding the crazy."
He had a point.
He went on to tell me about the current state of this poor mouse, its fly friends (there are many), and Middle explained that, when Jerry is just bones, she and MBFF will have a skeleton good-luck-charm of sorts.
Face, meet palm.
Hubby then explained that he asked her (also probably a violation of Rule #2, to be very honest) where she and MBFF had found Jerry.
"In the yard, next to his squished cousin." Middle paused then, apparently for effect. "And don't worry, Dad. We sexed him. Jerry is definitely a boy."
Middle is giggling now as Hubby relates this part, and I'm at the point of I don't know what else this kid is going to surprise us with.
Hubby reached for the door handle. "These are your father's grandchildren," he pointed out. "Your father's grandchildren."
Yes, well. My father isn't around to help them get into mischief, but it seems they're finding enough on their own.
He'd be proud.
Grossed out, but proud.
Saturday, March 27, 2021
Much, Much Later in the Same Day
We are leaving the Gettysburg Civil War Visitors' Center. Hubby has bought bacon and cheddar flavored crickets, solely because Middle has said she will try one.
She did. More than one, in fact.
These apparently taste like
ramen. Or ramen and nothing. The flavoring is nonexistent. MBFF concurs.
Hubby takes the cricket offered
to him, and claimed he thought he got the head stuck between his teeth.
I nearly gagged out the open
window. Good thing it was a nice day.
"Mom, do you want
one?"
Not on your Nellie. "No."
![]() |
We're nuts! |
Gag. I flatly refused the offer. Thank
you, no. Just stepping on exoskeleton-bearing insects is hard because
they're crunchy.
"I'm gonna take these to
school and dare kids to have me eat one!"
God bless you, girl.
~more minutes pass~
Middle: I'm gonna gulp crack cocaine!
Hubby (exasperated): You don't gulp crack
cocaine!
Middle: And you don't pay attention to the
things I say!
I really think these two get high on oxygen when they're together.
The Rules Hat Trick
We went back to Gettysburg today since we had such fun last week. Our bonus kid, Middle's BFF, also came along for the ride. Like last week, we stopped at the Golden Arches for breakfast. We had finished eating and were cruising along when this happened:
MBFF (to Middle): I'm trying to use your straw to stab open this ketchup packet.
I'm personally wondering when we got ketchup. I didn't see any come into the car . . .
Me: Rule #2.
MBFF (rapidly stabbing with the straw): I just want to see it explode!
Me: Rule #3.
Hubby: And Rule #1. <pause> Have any of our kids ever gotten all three Rules at once?
Me: I don't think so.
Middle: Just me. "Why don't I drink bleach?"
Me (nearly having a panic attack while laughing): Don't panic me.
Middle: Eh, you know me. Kitchen supplies, whatever.
MBFF: I'm just going to use my knife. <inspects packet closer> Oh, there's already little holes in it.
~Several minutes pass~
MBFF: Now my knife smells like ketchup.
Hubby: Just don't get ketchup all over the car.
Me: Rule #3.
Tuesday, March 23, 2021
My Work Here Is Done
With Special Edition's birthday being this past Saturday, her birthday dessert of choice was angel food cake with strawberries and whipped cream. And lemon curd. I should not forget that. I had to hunt for it. But this was her chosen dessert, and since I remembered last year's making of strawberry shortcake, and buying three cans of whipped cream (yes, Mother, I was going to make the real stuff, but the grocery store was completely out of heavy whipping cream, so we had to do canned) . . . and we ran out. I was not running out again. And since I knew we'd be doing Gettysburg with the clan, I bought the canned stuff again.
And I was determined to not run out.
I bought FIVE cans.
My co-workers saw my cart and thought I'd come unhinged. Nope, just determined to not run out of whipped cream this year.
I think I still had three and a half cans left after the birthday dinner, so I felt silly for buying so much unnecessarily, and said so out loud.
"Not unnecessarily," said Middle, who is fond of shooting whipped cream straight into her mouth.
Much like her father, actually.
Today, after school, Middle and MBFF wanted to hang out in the park after school. MBFF had permission, so I gave mine as well. Middle is a solid student and I'm not worried about homework. I told Middle when I'd come pick them up and bring them home.
I was surprised to come up from the basement and hear them both in the kitchen. MBFF was trying to shoot cream from a can that shouted it was empty.
Now, as I am an evil mother, this put in mind a scene from the old sitcom Brotherly Love. You only have to watch about the first minute and a half of this segment to see where my mind went.
"Did you know," I deadpanned as MBFF shot whipped cream from a new can into her mouth and handed it off to Middle, "that if you do that and poke in your cheeks, it's like popping a zit?"
My daughter was launching whipped cream into her own mouth at the same time I said this and stopped, leaving a trail down to her chin.
"That's gross," MBFF said.
"I don't even want to eat this now," Middle groused.
"My here is done!" I hooted with laughter so loudly that Hubby, playing Fortnite upstairs with Special Edition, could hear me . . . and so could Special Edition, her BFF, and her hubby.
Hee.
Shiny
![]() |
Pennsylvania Monument |
joined us for the day.
![]() |
High Water Mark |
visited. He's a big fan of Michael Shaara's book The Killer Angels, which tells the story of the three-day battle that turned the tide for the Union at Gettysburg. (Dad read it and urged Hubby to read it, and they both think it ought to be recommended reading before anyone visits the battlefield.) There's a certain sacredness about touring a place where so many men--brothers and friends--died. MBFF really enjoyed it, and we made plans to come back at a later date with her so that we can all go to the Visitor Center museum together.
![]() |
The view from Little Round Top |
favorite animal, and so she found something there. MBFF picked up souvenirs, too.
Tuesday, March 16, 2021
All It Needed Was a British Accent
Earlier tonight, I was eating dinner in the den so that I could continue having my poor aching ankle up and tucked into my favorite heating pad.
Then I hear Middle shouting in the kitchen. "Respectfully, eat blecch!"
At least, that's what I thought she said.
Wanting to be sure I heard right, and thinking I might wangle a blog post out of it, I called her for her to come down the hall. When she got here, I asked what on earth she said to her twin.
"Oh, that."
Yeah, that.
"Respectfully, eat glass."
To be honest, I liked my version better, and I told her so. She grinned.
This is how it is here.