Today is Monday, March 24, 2014.
Tomorrow is the day of the hearing on our petition to involuntarily sever the parental rights of my brother and his ex-wife, so that Hubby and I can proceed with our adoption of the Fries.
I am trying not to freak out. And I'm doing an exceptional job of not showing it outwardly.
Inside, I'm a mess.
I'm worried about so much.
Yes, I appreciate the irony of having a faith that instructs me to not worry while I keep panicking internally.
Most of it happens subconsciously, but I can tell you that my subconscious mind has overtaken most of my mental capacity, and so what little conscious thought I'm having revolves around automatic stuff...like lungs breathing, heart pumping, eyes blinking.
Yes, psychologically, I believe I fit the clinical qualifications of "a mess."
What am I worrying about? I'm going to make a list, if for no reason other than that I can look at it on Wednesday and laugh about how silly my fears are.
- I'm worried about what to wear to court tomorrow. (I know that one's silly already.)
- I'm worried about the snowstorm that is now hitting about 18 hours earlier than it was supposed to over the weekend, and now the possibility of snow is threatening the start of school tomorrow, the start of court, and all of the childcare arrangements we've had set up.
- I'm worried about my testimony on the stand. Not so much because of what my lawyer will ask, but because of what XSIL might ask on cross-examination, as well as Bro's attorney.
- I'm worried that Bro will be petty in what he asks his lawyer to question me about.
- I'm worried that I won't sleep tonight.
- I'm worried that we will somehow seriously blow it and the judge will hate us.
- I'm worried that either Bro or XSIL will manufacture some kind of damning evidence against us.
- I'm worried that Bro's witnesses will claim that he's a perfectly loving father who dotes on his children during visitation and is the perfect stepdad to his stepchildren, and so there's no reason why he should have his rights terminated.
- I'm worried that I will have major hot flashes on the stand and not be able to stop sweating. Stress is a big trigger, and I'm already stressed.
- I'm worried about Hubby being on the stand. He didn't have to last time.
- I'm worried about the fact that I'm worrying so much...
At least this time, I'm only facing cross-examination by XSIL, not both XSIL and Bro. Bro's attorney will be asking me questions, which will make it a lot easier for me to feel less like it's a personal attack.
If we could have adopted the Fries without this step, it would have been nice. But we can't. It's a necessary, horrible evil. If there was any other way to best protect the Fries, we'd do it. But this is it. This is what we have to do.
This is what we need to do.
So I'll swallow my worries, ask friends for fashion advice, and prepare for court tomorrow as best I can.
And hope that it will be all over soon.