Wednesday, January 12, 2011


One of the worst things about our situation is that it's so divisive to the family.  And, while I can reason once in awhile that this truly isn't my fault, I can't help but think that it somehow is.

Hubby says I am unnecessarily heaping guilt on myself.

But I can't help but think...if only we hadn't agreed to take in the girls.  If only we hadn't filed suit.  If only we hadn't objected to so many things, despite how objectionable those things were.  If only we'd had kids of our own.  If only....

If only...then my brother wouldn't be so mad.  He wouldn't be spewing out vitriolic emails.  He wouldn't be blaming me for the rift in the family.  His estranged wife wouldn't be blaming us for that, either, or for starting "all this drama."

Oh, I know.  If we hadn't made the choices we did, brought on by the choices both Bro and SIL made, the lives of the girls would be vastly different from the loving security they have here with us.

The Worry Gremlins and the Guilt Gremlins are not bound by reality.

This weekend, those Gremlins were busy.  My brother spouted off a raging email to my mother, blaming her for everything under the sun and for decisions that we had made that she'd had no part in making, other than to tell us that she agreed with our choices.  He berated her for not acting in love towards him.  As I read his email, I goodness, my mother is nearly as powerful as Egypt claims the Mossad is!

My mom sent a brief response, basically saying she'd gotten his email, and wanted to think about it for awhile.

His response was five succinct words, and we wondered...if words don't count, how many more actions does he need to have proof that he is loved?

Her response to that was that she was mailing him a letter, and that she has not made these choices he's so angry about.  And yes, she loves him.

How did he react?  Sadly, his reply was predictable.  Except that his venom was loosed on us all--Mom, Dad, Hubby and me--rather than just Mom.  And he un-invited us to his wedding, before he's even engaged to his girlfriend to whom he plans to propose.

Okay then.

It's heartbreaking for all of us.

Mom has been pragmatic, but I know his words have stung deeply.

This morning, I found this email from Dad in my inbox.  I know he's been hurt by all of Bro's antics, too.  His email mentioned an old "promise box" that he keeps in his car, for moments when he needs inspiration or encouragement.  You know, the ones that are sometimes shaped like little loaves of bread and hold a stack of Bible verses on card stock.  On his way home from his choir rehearsal on Monday night, he pulled one of those out.  I think he was grateful to have found it still in his car, and not in their other vehicle.  These were the verses found on the card he pulled out: 

I will make rivers flow on barren heights,
   and springs within the valleys.
I will turn the desert into pools of water,
   and the parched ground into springs. Isa 41:18

God is our refuge and strength,
   an ever-present help in trouble.  Psa 46:1

I was glad Dad chose to share those with us.  The promises in there were an important reminder of who's really in control of this flying umbrella we call "life."

1 comment:

  1. Dear Auntie J,

    My heart aches for you. You are all in my prayers. Wish I could be there to hug close your eyes and receive it in the Spirit.



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