Sunday, January 2, 2011

What now?

A friend posted this quote by Oswald Chambers as his status earlier tonight:
Have you been asking God what He is going to do? He will never tell you. God does not tell you what He is going to do; He reveals to you Who He is. Do you believe in a miracle-working God, and will you go out in surrender to Him until you are not surprised an atom at anything He does?
While I'm somewhat sure he didn't mean to stir up a mental hornet's nest for me, he did anyway.  I commented that this was pretty much exactly what I needed to hear...and exactly what I didn't want to hear.

I'm not renowned for my patience.  I can handle some kinds of change easily enough, have learned to roll with the smaller punches...but the bigger stuff?  At the very least, I want a map.  Preferably, I'd like a plan.  Details, if you please.  I could get lost in a paper bag if you closed up the end.  (I'm also directionally challenged.)  The more I know, the more comfortable I will feel.

This aspect of my personality does not mesh well with the "walk by faith, not by sight" principle of my faith.  While on the one hand I know that too much knowledge of the future would be a very bad thing (I'd surely be scared spitless), that reality wars with my need to understand where my life is going and how we're going to get there.

When Hubby first told me that God had been talking to him about returning to full-time ministry (it only took him four months to tell me), it was easy to see, even then, how God had been arranging the dominoes of our lives so that I would be ready for the idea.  And I was.  And now that we knew we were going somewhere (it was pretty clear we wouldn't be remaining in Columbus), I was ready to know the next step of the plan.

I spent a lot of time arguing with God.  Well, I argued.  He listened.  And probably laughed at me, too.  But I figure, he made me this way.  He can put up with my griping.  I just wanted to know what was next, and I was impatient for the mystery to be solved.

Now, I love a good mystery.  When it's in a book.  I love Agatha Christie.  I've only ever figured her out once, and even at that, I was only half right.  But in a book, the mystery wraps up.  It's finite.  I know it will be solved.

Life, however, is a never-ending mystery, especially when the one writing the story is the God of the universe.  And just when you get settled in one chapter of life, he starts dropping hints on the next one.

Case in point?  Our move here, to begin with.  Yeah, Hubby had a call to a church here.  We don't dispute that.  However, there was a deeper calling attached to our move: three little girls who would desperately need us.  When the church job disintegrated, we were still left with three little girls.

For a time, I questioned the call to the church here, because it had ended so badly, and, in many ways, we both felt that it shouldn't have unfolded like that.  Hubby, however, was absolutely sure.  The call here was real.  It was just for a higher purpose than a job...the job was the vehicle to get us here, where we could ultimately step into the bigger calling of raising our nieces.

Hubby has been out of work for nine months now.  I'm starting to get scared.  There just don't seem to be many options for Hubby's chosen field that don't involve huge moves.  Or changing church denominations.  (Not that we're against the idea; we did that when we came here.  But there are some denominations that just don't line up well enough with what we believe.)  And we have little girls counting on us.

I'm ready for the reveal, man.  I want to know!

Mario Murillo once said, "God is never late...but he's missed several golden opportunities to be early!"

And yet, as Chambers pointed out, God is not going to reveal his plan just because I ask, demand, scream, shout, cry, and beg.  I know in my heart and soul that there is a plan.  I just have to wait for it.  And God's timing will be spot-on, like always.  And yet...

I hate waiting.

We were discussing a couple of possibilities today, an open position Hubby has applied for, some rumblings, and the idea of moving back into the secular workforce.  Each has its appeal.  Each has its drawbacks.  Hubby flat-out asked me which job, should things fall in such a way, I would like him to take.

My answer was different this time than it would have been four years ago, when I wanted so desperately to just get on with things: I want what's best for our family.

And, what's best for our family will be, without a doubt, what God has in mind and is orchestrating behind the scenes, where we can't see it yet.

This time, though, I'm not asking God to give me the details of his plan.

I just want to know which dream to turn my heart toward.  I can wait on the rest.  But urging my heart in one direction or the other would be so helpful.  I know myself.  I don't want to be disappointed in God's plan.

That's growth, I suppose.

If you don't mind, I'm going to go sit over there and not stew about this.

Okay, so I probably will, and I'll throw another gripe or six at God while I'm at it.

I'm sure he's expecting it by now. :)

1 comment:

  1. There's also Stan Toler's "God has never failed me but He's sure scared me to death a few times."


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